


I'll Be Good

by IceMage4739



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, aha much feels, beautiful voice okay, justin can sing really well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-15
Updated: 2017-05-15
Packaged: 2018-10-31 22:57:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10909185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IceMage4739/pseuds/IceMage4739
Summary: Alex is in the hospital, and Justin is by his side.





	I'll Be Good

**Author's Note:**

> Kind of the stereotypical "Justin is there for Alex at the hospital" story, but I felt like the feels, so here it is.

  
_Weeks_ , Justin Foley waited. Weeks.

Sometimes he wondered why he did it; waited around for the small boy to wake up. The doctors weren’t even sure he would, yet Justin Foley sat, watching. He hated the way Alex looked, dwarfed in the bed, eyes forever closed. The blankets around him looked like they were suffocating him, drowning him amongst them. He hated the sympathetic looks of doctors and nurses, giving him tight-lipped smiles. He hated the word “if”, because it was always “ _if_ he wakes up, it’s going to be a hard journey”, followed by another translucent pitiful look.

He hated being in that room.

So, yeah, he wondered why he did it. Maybe it was something about the comfort of just the boy, when all of the bustling activity of the nurses left, when Alex’s mother and father left and Justin snuck in and sat, it was _almost_ peaceful. Like, Alex was _almost_ sleeping. Like when Justin stayed at his house and left before dawn, he’d stolen a glance of the tranquil Alex, lost to his dreams, before he left to be swallowed up by the sunrise.

He wondered what about Alex had made him stay in general. What made him leave the hospital late at night so that he could sneak into his own house- house, but never home- and sleep there, then leave again in the early morning. He knew that both his mother and Seth knew he was doing it, but they rarely saw him, it was like he didn’t exist. Justin guessed that’s what they wanted, to he carried on doing it for the sake of being able to stay.

Guilt was his usual thought. He felt it was his fault, pushing him to get after Clay, trying to make him keep Justin’s secrets. This is what ran through his thoughts during the day, when he was walking the halls, never able to glance up from the floor, because he just _might_ catch Jessica’s broken look, or Clay’s ever-confused stare. He might see Bryce, and then not even Justin knew what he would do. So his eyes remained glued to the blue tiling of the hallways, and his mind remained ever-wandering to somewhere else, a small little hospital room with little rays of light when the sun shined, and quiet shadows when it didn’t. His mind always imagined the way Alex looked, comparing his sleeping figure from over a month ago to how he was now, trying to convince itself that he was just sleeping, and when Justin walked into that room again that day, maybe he would be looking up and smiling.

However, his other idea haunted him at night, when he was by himself. When he was walking home in the dark, when he was laying in bed praying to be anywhere else, praying that Seth won’t change his mind and suddenly barge in again; force him out for real this time. The idea that maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t the darkness of guilt that kept him hanging on with all he had, maybe it was the light. Like Alex’s smile, or the soft glow of his hair in that early morning where Justin had left him. It was the idea of Alex waking up, seeing Justin, and the hope that everything would fall into place; everything would be okay. Like at the end of movies where people run into each other’s arms and they all live _happily ever after_.

Justin knew it wasn’t realistic- and was grossly like one of those romantic movies that Jessica used to make him watch- but it was all he had. He barely even slept anymore, whenever he wasn’t spending late nights imagining Alex waking up, wishing he had the guts to just hold his hand or whisper something to him, he was in his bed, too scared to sleep very much.

He constantly had his bag packed, ready to up and leave at a moment’s notice; and when Justin realized that he wasn’t quite ready to die, he then realized he had never packed the gun to be used on himself, and he only kept it close when he walked through the door of his apartment. That was what scared him the most.

Justin knew he wasn’t the only one to visit, but he was the only one to ever come back after they had. He’d seen them go into the hospital, and they always came out in tears. First Clay, then Zach, then Jessica. This is what pissed him off the most, they weren’t visiting Alex, they were saying goodbye. They’d already given up on him. Maybe that was why Justin was so determined to not give up on the boy, why he had refused to cry.

Even his own family, who had originally come and sat almost everyday in intervals, began to show up less and less. Justin didn’t think he’d ever forgive himself if Alex were to wake up alone, come back to the world the same way he thought he was leaving it.

It was late, almost midnight, on a Tuesday, when Justin had just stood up, about to leave the darkened room, when he caught the movement out of the corner of his eye. A twitch. Justin stared at Alex’s hand, almost unable to believe it. It was still for a moment, and Justin found himself holding his breath, willing for it to move again. His finger curled and Justin almost sobbed in relief, hurrying to the side of the bed to kneel and watch his hand.

“Alex?” he whispered, his voice sounding out of place in the precious silence of the room.

There was no response except for another movement of Alex’s finger, and Justin found his eyes welling up with tears as he smiled for the first time in weeks. He tentatively reached out, touching the palm of Alex’s hand, working his fingers in between the other boy’s. Alex’s hand tightened, and Justin held on tight. “Come on, Alex,” he said, his voice louder this time.

He fumbled to find the button that would call the nurse, not taking his eyes off of the boy for a second, and pressed it hurriedly. A plump lady in blue scrubs walked in, face scrunched up in worry. “What is it?”

Justin almost couldn’t speak again. “I think- I think he’s waking up,” he choked out, eyes still glued to the blonde’s face, waiting to see his eyes again.

~ ~ ~

Alex was barely lucid for at least another week, slowly coming back to his body. His family showed up the day after he’d woken up, his mom in tears, his father all straight lines and serious. Justin sat in the waiting room as they went to see him, returning the nod that Alex’s father sent him as they left.

Two weeks later, Justin walked into Alex’s room after his father had left. It was obvious Alex had been pretending to sleep by the way his eyes flickered open to check who had walked into the room. When he took in Justin’s figure, his shoulders relaxed, and he rolled over onto his back to watch the ceiling.

Alex been working on getting his voice back, and after an hour of silence in which Justin acted like he was doing homework, he noticed Alex’s lips moving, taking in the frustrated look on the blonde’s face as he tried to force out a word.

It took him a minute, but he finally got out one word. “Talk,” his voice cracked around the word, but Justin understood, and he put his math (that he hadn’t been doing) aside.

He talked to Alex for days, on and on about nothing, and everything. He found himself spilling things he hadn’t even known he was keeping in. Occasionally, Alex would like he wanted to say something, but often he wouldn’t be able to get it out, so Justin just kept going, trying to predict what Alex would have asked. How he would have responded.

When he ran out of stories to tell, he went to the library. And though he wasn’t much of a reader, he picked out books he thought Alex would like, and found himself reading them to him. He read until his throat felt raw, and he tripped over words, but Alex watched him like it was the best thing he ever heard, so he kept doing it.

After Alex was finally able to make sentences, Justin noticed he chose not to talk. He would ask for something, sometimes, or, if Justin was especially lucky, would ask a question. But most of the time, Alex remained silent, staring at his ceiling.

~ ~ ~

Justin always stayed until after Alex had fallen asleep. It was an unspoken agreement. Some nights, after he was sure the other boy was definitely asleep, he would sing. He wasn’t sure if it was to calm himself or Alex, even if he wasn’t awake to hear it. Most of the time, he didn’t even realize he was doing it, until he caught himself half way through an old Green Day song.  
  
Justin was into the chorus of a song he didn’t know he knew the words to when Alex blinked open his eyes to watch him. Justin stopped singing instantly, shifting in his seat awkwardly. “I thought you were asleep,” he mumbled, looking away.

Alex simply shook his head, but kept staring at Justin until the latter finally groaned. “What?” he snapped.

Alex raised an eyebrow. “You were singing,” he said, his voice almost failing him.

Justin rolled his eyes, but could feel himself flush a little. “Thank you, Captain Obvious. Now go back to sleep.”

“I never went to sleep,” Alex admitted, blue eyes still boring into Justin. “I faked it. I wanted to know what you did after I go to sleep everyday.”

“I was just about to leave,” Justin said, pulling out his phone and checking the time for lack of anything else to do.

“Can you- can you sing that song again?” Alex whispered, finally taking his eyes away from Justin.

“I don’t sing,” Justin grumbled.

Alex sighed softly. “Please,” the words were almost lost, taken by the silence of the night. Almost.

Justin was sure he would’ve done anything for stupid boy at this point, but he groaned a little as he tried to recall the first verse of the song he’d been singing, watching Alex close his eyes as he sang the first couple of lyrics.

When Justin got to the chorus, he saw that Alex was crying, and he felt himself crack the notes, and he stopped, unsure as to whether he should finish the song.

“Keep going,” Alex said.

_I’ll be good, I’ll be good_  
_And I’ll love the world, as I should_  
_I’ll be good, I’ll be good_  
_For all the times I never could_

“Thank you,” was all that Alex said when he finished.

~ ~ ~

Some days went well. Like when Alex would sit up a little bit, talk more than usual, ask questions. He was back in his own clothes now, a pair of old pajama pants and a t-shirt. Sometimes he even had the smallest hit of a sarcastic comment. Sometimes his eyes would almost sparkle.

Some days Alex would just lay there, not even acknowledging Justin, saying nothing. These days he was a ghost, and Justin hated that he couldn’t get through to him. Alex wouldn’t even sleep on these days, not until Justin sang, and then he would finally give in, turning his back to Justin, and closing his eyes.

One Wednesday when Justin walked in after school, Alex was in the middle of physical therapy, a bar on either side of him that he was grasping onto with white knuckles as he tried to walk, doctors holding onto either arm. His arms shook, and his legs looked like they could barely hold him up. After a couple of steps, he almost collapsed, and Justin was about to surge forward on instinct when the doctors caught him, and helped him back into bed without a second thought.

Justin hesitantly sat in the chair next to Alex’s bed, watching as Alex rubbed his eyes and pulled at his hair. “Fuck this,” he heard Alex mutter. Then louder: “Fuck this!”

Justin’s heart stopped. He’d seen Alex good, he’d seen Alex emotionless and gone, but he’d never seen Alex like this.

Alex let out a sob, still raking his hands through the white and brown strands of his hair that were sticking out of the bandages. “I can’t fucking do this anymore,” he shouted, but the words fell at the end, losing their edge. “I can’t fucking do this anymore,” he repeated, voice smaller.

When Alex began to tug at his bandages, Justin stood, heart pounding in fear, but he leaned forward, grabbing Alex’s hands and pulling them down gently. “Alex, you gotta stop that,” he muttered, trying to fight back his own tears.

“Why? What’s the point?” Alex cried. “Why the fuck are you even here, Foley?”

Justin flinched, but he held onto the other boy’s hands, and despite Alex’s harsh words, his fingers tightened for something to hold onto.

Alex cried for what seemed like hours, eyes directed at the ceiling like he could pretend Justin wasn’t there, sitting on his bed and holding his hands to keep them still, and he sang again, because he couldn’t do anything else. When his sobs went quiet, after Justin thought he’d fallen asleep, he heard Alex whisper to the ceiling, “I wish I’d died.”

Justin felt his heart break.

~ ~ ~

Alex took his first, unaccompanied, steps a few weeks later. Justin skipped school to be there for it, telling Alex some lie about there being no school anyways. After he’d made it a few feet, he stumbled a little, reaching for Justin to steady himself. Justin found his heart soaring when Alex gave him the smallest smile.

That night, after he thought Alex was asleep, he stood slowly, about to make his way out of the hospital room, Alex sat up, watching him walk. The sound of his voice breaking the silence almost scared the crap out of Justin. “Can you- can you stay?” Alex said, looking embarrassed at his request.

Justin didn’t want to go back to his apartment anyways, so he nodded, turning around to walk back to the chair he normally occupied.

“No, I mean-” Alex shifted, making room for him on the hospital bed. It took a second for it to register with Justin what that meant, but he found himself kicking off his tennis shoes and shouldering off his varsity jacket, then shuffled into the bed next to him.

“I didn’t know if I would ever make it to the point where I could walk again,” Alex confessed into the night. “Justin,” he whispered, his voice small, like he didn’t dare say his next words. “Am I gonna make it?” his voice cracked.

The moonlight illuminated the tears on Alex’s cheeks, causing them to shimmer. Justin felt himself crying, too, and he realized it was the first time he’d allowed himself. Without giving himself enough time to think the action through, he pulled Alex closer, wrapping his arms around him, letting the smaller boy cry into his chest. “Yes, Alex, I think you are.”

After several minutes, Alex pulled himself up to stare down at Justin. “I’m really glad you didn’t go home,” he said.  
  
Justin shook his head. “That’s not home,” he breathed quietly. “Not anymore.”

Alex gave him a confused look. “Then what is?”

“You,” Justin said. He didn’t even have to think about it.

Alex smiled softly, laying down again so that his head was in the crook of Justin’s neck, and Justin easily snaked his arms around him. They fit together like two puzzle pieces that don’t really belong to any other puzzle, but that was okay.

“I’ve been thinking,” Alex murmured into Justin’s neck.

“Yeah?” Justin said softly.

“When I get out of here, come with me. My parents already like you, and honestly I need you. I don’t think I would’ve made it through this without you,” Alex said.  
  
“Alex, I-”

“Please, Justin,” Alex whispered.

Justin didn’t say anything, just he ran his hands through the soft hair at the base of Alex’s neck, causing the smaller boy to sigh.

“I won’t promise it will be easy,” Alex said. “If you haven’t noticed, I’m kind of fucked up,” he laughs humorlessly, “But I’ll be there for you, and I’ll go crazy if you aren’t around, not to mention-”

“I love you.”

Alex looked up at that. “What?” his voice broke, laced with disbelief.

“I love you, Alex,” Justin repeated, and even though it was only a collection of three words, it held more significance than anything Alex had ever heard.

“Can you- can I kiss you?” Alex said, voice small and shy.

Justin felt his heart stutter, then start beating faster than he thought possible, but he furrowed his eyebrows. “I’m not sure if that’s good for your head-”

“Oh, fuck my head,” Alex laughed, leaning upwards slowly, meeting Justin’s eyes before he connected their lips.

They stayed like that for a while, lips slowly moving against each other, like they had all the time in the world. Maybe they did.

Eventually, they both pulled back, in need of air. Alex rested his forehead against Justin’s. “I love you, too.”

Justin grinned, pecking the other boy’s lips once more, then mumbled. “I’d follow you anywhere, Alex Standall.”

“Sing to me?” Alex asked.

“Of course,” Justin said, and they fell asleep like that, Justin humming songs he thought he’d forgotten.

_~ 4 months later ~_

Both of the boys laughed a little bit as they crashed into Alex’s bed, too busy kissing to notice much of the impact.

“Fuck,” Justin chuckled, pulling himself away from Alex’s lips for a second. “We still have to be careful, you know. You may have been given the okay for _physical exertion_ but we have to be-”

Alex rolled his eyes, pulling the other boy down again. “Oh, shut up,” he laughed.

Later that night, as they held each other, Justin lazily kissing Alex, occasionally peppering kisses down his neck, Alex spoke up. “Hey, Justin?”

“Yeah?” Justin hummed, happily pecking the side of Alex’s mouth so that it drew it into a smile.

“I’m so happy I lived.”

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you thought?


End file.
